I came to a conclusion today. It’s not a powerful or significant conclusion. But it does serve to help understand the inner workings of the human mind, as little as this may be.
Whenever someone waits for the bus, they constantly gaze in the direction that they know the bus will be coming from. This is unless looking in that direction serves as a perceived staring at the person next to you.
But we gaze waiting for the bus. Just like we constantly watch the clock. Or watch the pot until it boils. And as the old saying goes, “A watched pot never boils.” This of course, is not a true fact. The pot will boil. And it’ll boil in the same amount of time it would take if you were not watching it. HOWEVER, we perceive what seems like a longer boiling time when we watch it. Or ‘time moves slower’ when we watch the clock. Or the bus takes a lot longer to get there when you watch for it.
Which I think is slightly ironic in a way.
We watch for the bus, or any other of the two situations, almost believing that if we do, it’ll come faster. The bus will arrive faster. The pot will boil faster. The time will move faster. It’s almost as if we believe we have special ‘watching powers’ that speed up the process of things we watch for.
And yet, although we believe we have these special ‘watching powers’, as a matter of fact, it seems as if when we engage in these behaviours that it actually takes longer. In actuality it takes the same amount of time as it would had we not watched. But we think it’ll make it come faster, but is perceived as taking longer, and yet we still engage in these behaviours despite the fact that we know our watching won’t help, and we know that it’ll seem to take longer.
When I was around 10 or 11 years old, I had multiple CD’s with many different encyclopedia’s on them that I could read if I played the CD in my computer. I always loved listening to the classical music, and coincidentally now study theory and composition in university. My favorite composer is also Chopin. There was always one song that I listened to over and over again on these CD’s. And I found that piece today, which unknowingly, just happens to have been composed by Chopin. And here is the link to the piece: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kyFyAqLtHq8
And that is all for today. Statistics exam tomorrow! Woo! (not.)
My break in my studying led me to this story. The link will be presented at the end of this post.
This short story, ‘The Necklace’ led me to think about life. In sort of a general way. The woman in this story dreamed of living up to the social standard’s of what would be the typical rich woman, which is still a common fantasy for many women in the present day. She is invited, by the husband whom deep down she wishes was a much more wealthy man than he is currently, to an event in which she will have the opportunity to portray herself as she has always wished she could.
After a few speedbumps in the preparation for this event, she arrives dressed in a fancy ball gown, and the diamond necklace which she has borrowed from one of her friends. She is noticed by all, and leaves in the wee hours of the morning.
Upon returning to her home, she realizes she has lost her friends diamond necklace. Her husband searches the paths they have walked, and reports the missing item to the police, and in the end, she is left in disappointment, feeling the only solution is to lie to buy her time to search for a duplicate of the expensive necklace.
Upon finding the duplicate necklace, obtaining loans from multiple sources, and using all of their life saving’s, they purchase the necklace, and return the newly bought necklace to her friend.
They are now left in a predicament. They have no money. Loans to pay off. And are unfortunately left living a life that is the complete opposite of what she has dreamed.
The irony in the situation is already present at this point. After finally receiving one night to live in the glory of presenting herself as a rich woman, she is now left in a state that is the complete opposite of her fantasy.
Finally, after paying off all of their debt, she sees her friend in the streets, and decides to tell her friend the truth.
Upon telling her friend about everything that happened in regards to the necklace, and explaining the hard life she has lived in order to pay off the debt, her friend responds. The irony here made me almost half-smile at the hilarity of the situation. The line I am refering to is as follows: “‘Oh, my poor Mathilde! But mine was imitation. It was worth at the very most five hundred francs!…’”
I’m sure we all understand the irony and slight hilarity of this predicament.
This just makes me think. Us as human beings overlook life, and only complicate situations which in turn allows us to unknowingly make things worse for ourselves. I can’t even number off the amount of times that I have complicated things to such a huge degree, and only after life had gotten extremely difficult that I found out just how off my perception of the situation was.
I would continue to wrestle with this idea in this post, but it is past my bed time, and therefore I will further ponder this in my thoughts from this point on.
I wish I had someone to love. I wish I had someone to love me back. Love has been so entirely absent from my life that the concept is foreign. It’s unknown. I don’t know what it’s like to be loved.
I’m almost 20 years old. I’ve never had a boyfriend. All the intimate relations I have had have been with men who although they claim to feel a connection, never choose me. Many of them already have girlfriends. Many just claim they are not allowed to love me.
After 20 years, having never been loved, even never having felt love from a parent, you begin to feel lonely. I don’t have friends. My social skills are next to nothing. I always sabotage friendships no matter how much I want them. It’s as if I was never meant for social interactions.
And this is not good. I really want to become a therapist. I want to talk to people. And help them. And have them feel love from me.
But how do you show love, when you have no idea what love feels like?
Everyone my age is getting engaged. Or have been in long-term relationships at least once in their life. Everyone’s profile pictures on facebook have multiple friends, or a boyfriend in them. And mine is just a picture that I took of myself on my laptop hoping to portray to the world that I am pretty, and have a lovely smile, and hopefully maybe the world might see that.
And yet I’m still as lonely as ever. I’m someone else, and I’m still unloved. And the real me sees even less social interaction as the fake me.
And I claim to enjoy it. And yet I find myself searching google images for engagement photos. And wedding photos. Because I’m at a point in my life where even my body is starting to hint at creating a family. My hips are now meant to carry a baby. And yet, I’m not even close to having my first boyfriend.
So I’m left wallowing in self-misery. Because wallowing is what I do best. I don’t wallow often. But it’s usually there. Just hidden at the back of my mind.
If only one day I could feel love. Just to feel love would move my world miles forward.
TW, CB, IB, SG. Those whose my heart has yearned for recently.